A Bittersweet Outing

No more settling for less.

I'm looking for that kind of man that's gonna give his best 

'cause I'm giving the best.

A man that wants to cherish this

and knows exactly how to move me;

Not some silly little boy who wants my goodies

'cause he took me to the movies.

...I don't want it anymore!

Because I've dried my eyes and I realized

I deserve someone that'll treat me right. 

- Letoya

The frustration of continuously looking, chasing, and hoping has left me restless. Despite the changes in my behavior, beliefs, and how I present myself; I have still faced complications as a single female (I say female because I don't refer to myself as a girl, but I am working towards referring myself as a woman). The Problem: Losing my common sense when distracted by a male who appears charming. Possible Solution: Stay in the moment, focus on reality, and most importantly stay focused on protecting myself. Every situation can be a lesson and I am considering a bittersweet outing as my official graduation.

I made a vow to myself to stop being the pursuer or the chaser. I vowed to stay focused on me but still be open to dating. Dating is allowed but chasing after a guy or initiating things was no longer an option. After accepting this vow, I met a man and I've chosen his name to be Coach. He pursued me, asked me out on a date, and took me to a very nice dinner. It was the first date I had in a long time where doors were opened for me, chairs were pulled for me, and coats were assisted to be put on me. I finally got to taste the dream of being treated like a princess. The experience liberated me from being too flexible and too easy. I reached the epiphany that giving men just enough space to prove themselves was not a bitchy solution, it was a solution that gave me the self-confidence in my worth. My desire for attention disappeared and the thought of being asked to hang out at a guy friends house in the middle of the night left my stomach in knots. I no longer wanted the cheap thrills, or the empty sexual advances - I want to be treated like a princess at all times.

The date I had with Coach was a gift (despite the bitter parts), it gave me strength to see my actions and thoughts in a proper light. I knew not to reveal too much about myself because not only would it make me feel uncomfortable, it would've done the same for him. I allowed myself to learn about him in order to determine his potential. As we discussed things and learned about our dislikes, likes, and background, I determined that I found him interesting. I looked forward to going out with him again by the time dinner was over.

I made one mistake that evening; the amazing date transformed into something questionable. Most of it was my behavior. I swear, it was as if the old me was lurking around waiting for the moment to jump in and have her moment. Well... She had her moment alright. The mistake was going for drinks after our date. I was to meet with some friends and I invited him to tag along. I am aware now that the date should have ended after our dinner together. We ended up going to my friends house and playing video games. The alcohol stirred up hormones between Coach and I. To summarize it all, the night ended at his place. I woke up that morning running through my mind how I allowed things to get so far. Coach was already awake, sitting up in the bed with a cup of coffee. I looked up at the ceiling and asked the question I already knew the answer to, did we have sex? His response was, somewhat. My brain ended up in a place I wasn't planning to even visit until I got to know him better. I was in the place where you question the obvious, is this something? Is he into me or is he looking for something casual with me? I wasn't ready to ask myself these questions. The only thing I could remember was him telling me he hoped that we progress into a relationship... But... I wasn't too sure he meant that. I wondered to myself, why did he take me home with him? Why didn't he just leave me at my friends house? To my surprise, a cup of coffee was waiting for me on the side of the bed I slept on. I asked if he remembered his statement, of course he said no... All I had from this dreadful morning was one positive thing, that cup of coffee.

My anxiety surfaced and I was on edge about how things were going to turn out after such a stupid move. The first week was a week of minor contact, excuses of being extremely busy at work, and no plans of a second date. Only one comment of him stating he wanted to see me again. I decided to cut my loss and tell him I felt I needed to take a step back from dating. I was left confused when he insisted he liked me and desired to see me again.

The second week - a week with barely any contact, a turned down invitation, and a text message that went unanswered. So... What have we learned?

The emotions I've been experiencing have been rocky but somehow I still developed more strength. I finally know how I want to be treated and I believe I am worthy of that kind of treatment. I have self-worth,  even though at times I feel unworthy (especially from this situation), I still have it and it's not going away. My self-worth is growing stronger everyday. Two guys from the past tried to pursue me but I no longer have the desire to be at their beck and call. I know the kind of treatment I want and they don't seem capable (unless they prove otherwise).

Despite the fact that I had an amazing date that ended in destruction, the date brought me to a point to finally say good-bye to my old life.

Going, Going, Gone... I am a princess and my prince WILL come.

On The Battlefield With My Own Worst Enemy.

"Don't believe the things
You tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy
You'll never win the fight..." - Cheryl Cole

I never want to face it and I never want to accept it. I feel comfortable by being convinced that I may have been dealt a sorry hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. However, I've realized all it takes to change things around for the better is to listen to the small voice that encourages me to feel safe regardless of the mistakes I've been constantly making. Now is the time to bring these habits to an end. For years, I've told myself I'll always be stuck in bad situations that I don't want to be in and my desires will never be a possibility. I grew to accept this lie more and more each day and convinced myself that I didn't deserve what I truly wanted out of life. Therefore, I continued to spiral into a dark hole because of this belief; all because I have the worst enemy to be against me... Myself. 

My own worst enemy is my bully, my tormentor, and my destroyer. This enemy leads me to believe that people can't enjoy my company or find value in me; this enemy craves my demise. This enemy wants me to believe I am no one special, I'm annoying, and an unwanted individual in the world. This belief has been so painful and continues to lead me to frustration and confusion. One day I woke up with the anger suddenly anchored to my inner self for being so abusive with myself. Why am I saying such ugly things to myself? Why do I believe I'm a woman with no worth?

An epiphany came after experiencing an event that shook my soul to a place of extreme vulnerability. A person like me loves attention and I was enjoying the attention of one guy and ended up realizing that his attention came with a price. As I laid there allowing him to caress me and fondle me, his friend laid beside. Suddenly it wasn't just him fondling me, his friend seemed to think he had the right to fondle me at the same time. I was mortified... I suddenly realized the price I've been paying to get attention from the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have been continuously giving up my self-respect for a cheap thrill that never amounted to anything but neglect. I sternly told his friend to stop because his behavior was unacceptable and unwanted. In my mind, I asked myself, "Why did he think I'd be okay with his actions?" A guy who I respected and believed was my friend, instantly revealed himself to be a person who didn't value my friendship or me. The more I pondered over the experience, the more I realized that he wasn't the only one who didn't value me... I didn't value me. 

I finally was honest with myself and thought, here is the truth, you are a needy girl and you don't have respect for yourself. I cried for hours and felt as if I was suffocating from this pain that revealed it's ugly head before my very eyes. I was hurting; I was feeling pain from abuse brought on by my own words and actions. In the end, that girl died and I felt a side of me that I thought I'd never feel. I felt the woman within me; the woman who was determined to feel worthy, beautiful, and lovable. I felt my laughter and found joy in it. I saw my intellect and found admiration in it. I saw my beauty and found value in it. 

But the fight still rages on... Now that I am aware, I stare at the ugliness of my choices and question how should I deal with these past mistakes that have made my life a mess as well as give me a reputation of a foolish bimbo. The enemy says I am stupid and I will never change; but the woman who is fighting to be better says, you made mistakes and it's okay. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. 

I've lost many battles with my own worst enemy over the years... I'm having faith and pushing myself to be strong because one day - The woman within me is going to win the war.

Access Denied: Confessions of a Judged and Rejected Person...

"When I'm nervous I have this thing,
Yeah, I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone,
anyone who'll listen 
And that's where I seem to fuck up.

Yeah, I forget about the consequences
For a minute there I lose my senses,
And in the heat of the moment
my mouth starts going..." - Jessie J


It finally happened... I'm at the point where I desire to focus on me and the things I love about myself. The new year is here and I'm promising myself that I will focus on the positive and let go of the negative. Despite making the best changes and revamping my perspective, the experience of rejection and embarrassment is among me.

I tend to feel left out, gossiped about, and judged for my actions. Most of it is paranoia, but I've been in situations where these things do occur. There are certain days where I feel this tension, its a tense feeling that people don't want to be around me because they've determined that I'm insane, odd, and neurotic. However, I do tend to be insane, odd, and neurotic... These things are true because I've become aware of my flaws. But... What do you do when you are trying to make yourself a better person? 

I'm a social butterfly, at times I have trouble being social among my peers because I'm in fear that people will dislike me. I've had interactions where I am being my complete self, but then I wake up the next day regretting certain things I said and did. When I am at work I feel  like my co-workers judge me and I feel instant rejection when I'm not invited to a get together. People say to focus on the people who will love and treat you right, but forget the one's that don't. I completely agree, but it still doesn't take away the gnawing feeling in my heart when many people decide they don't like being around me. I've been told I am too loud, too out-spoken, and a bit promiscuous. Again, these things are true but I don't want to feel bad about it, because I'm trying to correct it. 

Being denied attention from people hurts. You feel unworthy, unacceptable, and scummy. I will admit I am an eccentric individual but I wish I could be strong enough to not care what other's think of me. I know that I'm a pretty girl, that my laugh tends to be boisterous, I have no filter, and I'm extremely goofy. Yet, these characteristics of mine do set me apart from the people who choose to conform to societies view of normal. 

Maybe I need to accept that I have an unorthodox personality and my spontaneous behavior does tend to put me in crazy situations but at least I am not afraid to take a risk. I guess in a way I'm doing my best to live my life and enjoy it to the most fullest extent. Therefore I say, conservative my ass! Nothing about me will ever be NORMAL!

Yet... I want to be surrounded by friends who love me, respect me, and accept me. I have a certain persona that most people don't have, because of this I don't feel worthy, but I want to. I should be living life and being happy. I'm worth being around like-minded friends and trying new things. I've had some wild experiences, but in the end I can say I had a good time during that moment. "Never regret something that made you smile" right? - Which is a quote I read somewhere...

I want to accept the inner girl in me, because maybe I can finally embrace the woman that I am. I make crazy decisions; I have the most wildest imagination; I can be gullible and naive at times; I struggle with anxiety, and at times I can be very sensitive. These things make me who I am. Although, I can learn to take my time before making a crazy decision by allowing myself to think of the possible consequences first. If I end up impulsively making a silly decision, I need to forgive myself if it doesn't work out, or pat myself on the back when it does. My wild imagination is truly a gift of strong creativity and if I am willing, maybe I can channel that wild imagination into something productive. Being gullible and naive isn't always bad, I'm capable of looking at the world through the eyes of a child-like mind; sometimes life needs to viewed this way. With anxiety, I can always remedy this by sitting alone for a few minutes and taking deep breaths; everyone tends to get anxious at times. And as for my sensitivity, it gives me empathy, which only means I have the ability to understand people's pain and happiness. These characteristics make me, me. I can use them for something, despite the world's distinction that I am an odd bird who should be ignored. 

I have had my crazy phase and lived in my insanity phase. But at least I am sane enough to step out of these phases as a stronger person. 

Maybe the feeling of being left out is a lesson, the people who don't want to be around me are making room for the one's that do and will...

I am a judged and rejected person, but it doesn't define who I am nor shapes my world...

Going, Going, Gone... If they don't like me, then that's their right. I'm sticking with me and I've got my back. So letting these people go, is good for me and for the new people to come - a new day is coming.

Next Stop! BOOZE-CIGS!

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold - ONEREPUBLIC


There seems to be more than just one suitcase of baggage piled up around me. There is so much where I may need to rent out a storage space for all that I carry. This luggage I carry with me has brought me to a destination I had no intentions of arriving to. Over the summer, I arrived at the destination of Booze-Cigs City. I've been extremely lost and incredibly desperate to find the love I've been yearning to have my whole life. Somehow my hopes and my desires led me to the city of Booze-Cigs; now it's been a struggle trying to find my way out of this dark city. 

I wouldn't say I've turned into an alcoholic, I don't see my situation as that severe... Do I use alcohol as an escape? At times... but I'm not constantly drinking, its only an evening thing to keep my mind from wandering to the dark places that bring me to despair and a way to find sleep. I'll say this, residing in Booze-Cigs has brought out the most oddest behavior and has put me in some very odd scenarios. 

It's been said that the more we hold onto the past, the more we suffer feeling stuck exactly where we are. Every mistake and event of my life has been an ongoing nightmare haunting places of my mind and soul. 

The root of this sudden arrival to the city of Booze-Cigs can go back in time for many years but I'd rather discuss the main events that have driven me here. 

I met a man close to his 30's at the age of 22 (I shall call him Mr. Butch) it was not the type of relationship I was planning to be in. When I met Mr. Butch I was looking for opportunities to date and get to know people. My goal was to figure out what type of relationship I was looking for. I allowed my relationship with Mr. Butch to go on too long... Four months into our relationship - I became pregnant. I remember the day I saw the pregnancy test, the little window instantly changed to "pregnant" after peeing on the stick. I was in complete horror and had no clue what I was going to do or what was the best thing to do. I was consumed by shock, fear, and anger. I was angry at Mr. Butch for ignoring my warnings of the importance of condoms - but then angry towards me for not being confident in myself to say no. My shock, fear, and anger changed nothing. I was still pregnant and unsure what to do. My parents gave me the option to abort without any judgment but the action of murdering a living cell growing in my body seemed too dark and unholy for me. I felt I could not go that far. If it wasn't for Mr. Butch being excited about being a dad, my choice would have been adoption. Mr. Butch was ready to have a family and he desired to start a family with me! He was completely unaware that I felt different. 

In 2008, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. For the sake of his privacy as well as my own, I will call him Fireball. Fireball was born four days after my birthday. On my birthday I was given the news that I would be induced due to my amniotic fluid decreasing. In fear of my child being put in critical condition, I made no arguments and agreed with everything the doctors were advising me to do. My only goal was to make sure that my son was going to be born into this world safely. The situation resulted to an emergency C-section, but on that day, my son Fireball was born. The moment he was removed from my body, there was complete silence. I was in terror by not hearing a sound, but then suddenly, his wail let loose and I was in instant tears. My tears were of joy because I knew that my son was alive and that he had arrived into this world as a healthy baby. 

For the sake of Fireball, I tried to make things work with Mr. Butch, but a relationship with him was something I never desired to have. Throughout my pregnancy, I wasn't sure how I felt about him as a person. Yet, I learned about his selfishness, his financial negligence, and his stubbornness. After a terrible argument, I left in complete rage by his stubbornness and fell down the stairs. I caught myself by grabbing the rail and landed on my butt. I was shaken from the fall, but he came towards me with a look of hatred in his eyes and said that if I had hurt his child he would never forgive me. I was at lost for words by his statement and never knew what it meant by his unconcern of whether I was hurt or not. 

The night I was induced, we checked into the hospital. The staff did everything possible to make me comfortable while Mr. Butch sat in the corner with his laptop watching movies and surfing the internet. Later that evening my lower back began to hurt, I politely asked Mr. Butch if he could rub my lower back. He refused because he was too involved in a computer game. I felt alone that night and fell asleep in tears knowing that my relationship with Mr. Butch was not the relationship I wanted to be stuck in for the rest of my life. 

As much as I tried, there wasn't a way I could make things work with him and even when I tried he made me feel awful in the midst of it all. So our relationship came to an end. I will not say that most of the problems in our relationship were due to him, in many ways I was immature, and also had my own faults. Yet, being together was more destructive than being apart, and it wasn't a healthy bond for Fireball to live around. I knew that when I ended things with Mr. Butch, Fireball needed to be with his father more than me. I gave his father full custody while still being able to keep him half of the time.

Keeping Fireball became a struggle. I didn't have the finances that his father expected of me and my emotions were running rapid in ways that I could not understand. The more I tried, the more I felt stuck between a rock and hard place. I couldn't tell up from down and began to see my life spiral lower and lower. Next thing you know, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The term gave me a lot of understanding of what was happening but it didn't give me any solutions to the problems I was still struggling with. I was depressed, I felt like a failure; no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make things right, or fix things properly; I forget things; I lost track of time; and more importantly, I lost every ounce of confidence I managed to sustain despite my low self-esteem... I hit rock bottom...

I quit my full-time job, I moved back in with my parents and almost had to sell my car. My world was upside down and I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. 

It was the last week of April when I called Mr. Butch. I explained everything that was going on with me and admitted that I was not capable of keeping Fireball at any time. The distance to go and pick him up was too much on the gas tank and I was unable to feed him when he was with me. Mr. Butch didn't understand and continued to state how heartless I was. I couldn't see how admitting that I wasn't ready nor capable to be a mother was considered heartless. The truth had to be known and I officially got tired of fighting a battle that could not be won. That was the last time I spoke with Mr. Butch and since then, I haven't seen my child. 

Part of me knows it's for the best but I still struggle with the part of me that feels that I need to be punished for doing something that many people look down upon. Yet, I have had many friends tell me it took a great amount of strength to do what I did because, despite it all, I made the best decision for my child and myself. 

His bed stayed in my room till the Thanksgiving Holiday... I sat there and played with his car for twenty minutes before moving his bed into the garage. It was heart-wrenching and I grieved more and more seeing my room without his bed each day. 

This morning I had a lucid dream that he was sitting beside me. I got up to kiss him on the lips - but when I did, I awoke to realize he wasn't there... I was in Booze-Cigs, a place where the alcohol numbs the pain and takes away the shouting thoughts from my own worst enemy and from those who judge me. The cigarettes are the substance that just completes the job. 

I pray that I find the form of transportation that got me here and move on to a more lovely place... 

I heard of a place called Self-Forgiveness, I plan to find my way there.


Artwork Created By: Adam Withers (AdamWithers.deviantart.com/)

Mr. Fickle was Tickling My Pickle.

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life, or the things I do?
I can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you
- Britney Spears


I wasn't aware that one of the main problems in my dating life was putting pressure on the opposite sex. It's not my intention to make guys feel uncomfortable. I seem to have a tendency to come on too strong. Coming to terms with this epic error in dating situations has me wishing I knew what I know now. I could have refrained blowing chances and opportunities with numerous great men. I've made myself appear like this desperate girl that only desires to cling to men willing to express their caring nature. In return, their actions consisted of running away with their tails between their legs. 

I've read many articles about adults with adhd and the struggles they face in dating. Apparently, it's the impulsive behavior that causes us to look like complete psychos. I'm pretty sure I'm not a psycho, nor do I feel I should be labeled as one. Never in my life have I ever had the desire to to pull the stunts like Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction; or have been a manipulative master like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Although, yes, I may have struggled with some of the emotions they felt, but my emotions has never provoked me to hurt anyone or anything for that matter. The only person I crucify everyday seems to be the one I stare at in the mirror (as sad as that is). My dating scenarios are anxiety to the core, because it's the main theme of fight or flight. In my case, I am always taking the flight, but I tend to always leave a message behind. 

His name is Mr. Fickle...

What would be your reaction if someone made statements in future tense? Such as - meeting parents; certain outings with friends, etc... The first thing that would come to mind for most would be, this guy is really into me. Obviously his ability to be forward did not spark fear in me, but the moment I reciprocated interest in him, his fear suddenly became evident before his eyes. 

Once again... I asked the question I always ask, what did I do wrong? 

I'm searching deep within the feelings I have about Mr. Fickle. Oddly enough, something about this situation is difficult to write about. But this is my release and I need to expose everything. Which means, I really felt a strong connection to him. When he changed his mind, I felt sick to my stomach and dizzy. I wouldn't say that I thought he was the one, but there was something about his personality that made me feel safe. He was genuinely a kind person; the kind of guy who would not be vindictive or conniving.  Still... After having sex with me (of course), his mind changed... Before his claims that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, he made the statement that we had a strong connection. He stated that he felt strongly about me, and for some reason it was frightening him. Then he went into his speech about how he didn't want to give up certain freedoms and that the relationship he's been looking for is something he isn't ready for just yet. My inner anxious girl believed that his rejection was due to something I did wrong. 

He went back and forth with expressing his feelings for me. One moment he wanted to share intimacy by spending time together, cuddling, and being affectionate - then he would flip and say he couldn't do it...

After the third time with his fickle thoughts, I became angry. I began wishing I never met him and wishing he never pursued me. He allowed me to feel comfortable with him, then he ripped away that comfort more than once. His actions made a huge affect on me after dating him, I developed panic attacks. I became frightened to go out with my friends because I was worried that a guy would hit on me. Men who have pursued me in the past, suddenly became a present nightmare that I didn't want to face. I was petrified to experience the emotional roller-coaster again . It seemed to me that men didn't know what they wanted or would think they knew that they wanted a relationship. But, the moment they dated me and I accepted their offer; they realized they didn't want a serious relationship. I made them realize they didn't want commitment; something about me killed the desire. The experience of that on more than one occasion was heart wrenching!

I am afraid - constantly. If dating fails with good men just like it does with bad, then what chance do I have in dating? So there is the pressure... Why is it so important that a date blossoms into something meaningful and solid? Why do I become focused on one person who is showing me attention and act like they're the only one looking at me? Why must I always know the outcome of every single situation in my life? Why can't I just go with the flow? 

The answer is: CONTROL

The scientist says, (a + b = c); he says that if he adds certain variables to an equation he will find the answer (or result) that will solve the problem. Am I approaching dating like a scientist? Love doesn't involve science or variables... It just happens... Why am I trying to live my life in the right equation to make that happen? The scientist is the controller, but I've learned that control only produces stress, not a result. 

So there it is... the truth... Mr. Fickle was looking for something to happen and I was to busy trying to make it happen instead of letting it happen... 

Going, Going, Gone... I made a mistake... My actions were smothering and my comments were demanding... We could have ended up being something, I hate that I was unaware of my actions. It drove away the very thing I always wanted to have. But he is gone and he is no longer interested in pursuing me. The knowledge of the pain he caused me made him feel awful and now his only focus is to never hurt me in that way again... So what's done is done and it's time to finally let go. 

At least I can see that I need to learn my boundaries as well as others. I'm willing to love myself enough to learn what those boundaries are... for me...

Artwork Created By: Julius (joulester.deviantart)