I'm looking for that kind of man that's gonna give his best
'cause I'm giving the best.
A man that wants to cherish this
and knows exactly how to move me;
Not some silly little boy who wants my goodies
'cause he took me to the movies.
...I don't want it anymore!
Because I've dried my eyes and I realized
I deserve someone that'll treat me right.
- Letoya
The frustration of continuously looking, chasing, and hoping has left me restless. Despite the changes in my behavior, beliefs, and how I present myself; I have still faced complications as a single female (I say female because I don't refer to myself as a girl, but I am working towards referring myself as a woman). The Problem: Losing my common sense when distracted by a male who appears charming. Possible Solution: Stay in the moment, focus on reality, and most importantly stay focused on protecting myself. Every situation can be a lesson and I am considering a bittersweet outing as my official graduation.
I made a vow to myself to stop being the pursuer or the chaser. I vowed to stay focused on me but still be open to dating. Dating is allowed but chasing after a guy or initiating things was no longer an option. After accepting this vow, I met a man and I've chosen his name to be Coach. He pursued me, asked me out on a date, and took me to a very nice dinner. It was the first date I had in a long time where doors were opened for me, chairs were pulled for me, and coats were assisted to be put on me. I finally got to taste the dream of being treated like a princess. The experience liberated me from being too flexible and too easy. I reached the epiphany that giving men just enough space to prove themselves was not a bitchy solution, it was a solution that gave me the self-confidence in my worth. My desire for attention disappeared and the thought of being asked to hang out at a guy friends house in the middle of the night left my stomach in knots. I no longer wanted the cheap thrills, or the empty sexual advances - I want to be treated like a princess at all times.
The date I had with Coach was a gift (despite the bitter parts), it gave me strength to see my actions and thoughts in a proper light. I knew not to reveal too much about myself because not only would it make me feel uncomfortable, it would've done the same for him. I allowed myself to learn about him in order to determine his potential. As we discussed things and learned about our dislikes, likes, and background, I determined that I found him interesting. I looked forward to going out with him again by the time dinner was over.
I made one mistake that evening; the amazing date transformed into something questionable. Most of it was my behavior. I swear, it was as if the old me was lurking around waiting for the moment to jump in and have her moment. Well... She had her moment alright. The mistake was going for drinks after our date. I was to meet with some friends and I invited him to tag along. I am aware now that the date should have ended after our dinner together. We ended up going to my friends house and playing video games. The alcohol stirred up hormones between Coach and I. To summarize it all, the night ended at his place. I woke up that morning running through my mind how I allowed things to get so far. Coach was already awake, sitting up in the bed with a cup of coffee. I looked up at the ceiling and asked the question I already knew the answer to, did we have sex? His response was, somewhat. My brain ended up in a place I wasn't planning to even visit until I got to know him better. I was in the place where you question the obvious, is this something? Is he into me or is he looking for something casual with me? I wasn't ready to ask myself these questions. The only thing I could remember was him telling me he hoped that we progress into a relationship... But... I wasn't too sure he meant that. I wondered to myself, why did he take me home with him? Why didn't he just leave me at my friends house? To my surprise, a cup of coffee was waiting for me on the side of the bed I slept on. I asked if he remembered his statement, of course he said no... All I had from this dreadful morning was one positive thing, that cup of coffee.
My anxiety surfaced and I was on edge about how things were going to turn out after such a stupid move. The first week was a week of minor contact, excuses of being extremely busy at work, and no plans of a second date. Only one comment of him stating he wanted to see me again. I decided to cut my loss and tell him I felt I needed to take a step back from dating. I was left confused when he insisted he liked me and desired to see me again.
The second week - a week with barely any contact, a turned down invitation, and a text message that went unanswered. So... What have we learned?
The emotions I've been experiencing have been rocky but somehow I still developed more strength. I finally know how I want to be treated and I believe I am worthy of that kind of treatment. I have self-worth, even though at times I feel unworthy (especially from this situation), I still have it and it's not going away. My self-worth is growing stronger everyday. Two guys from the past tried to pursue me but I no longer have the desire to be at their beck and call. I know the kind of treatment I want and they don't seem capable (unless they prove otherwise).
Despite the fact that I had an amazing date that ended in destruction, the date brought me to a point to finally say good-bye to my old life.
Going, Going, Gone... I am a princess and my prince WILL come.
The frustration of continuously looking, chasing, and hoping has left me restless. Despite the changes in my behavior, beliefs, and how I present myself; I have still faced complications as a single female (I say female because I don't refer to myself as a girl, but I am working towards referring myself as a woman). The Problem: Losing my common sense when distracted by a male who appears charming. Possible Solution: Stay in the moment, focus on reality, and most importantly stay focused on protecting myself. Every situation can be a lesson and I am considering a bittersweet outing as my official graduation.
I made a vow to myself to stop being the pursuer or the chaser. I vowed to stay focused on me but still be open to dating. Dating is allowed but chasing after a guy or initiating things was no longer an option. After accepting this vow, I met a man and I've chosen his name to be Coach. He pursued me, asked me out on a date, and took me to a very nice dinner. It was the first date I had in a long time where doors were opened for me, chairs were pulled for me, and coats were assisted to be put on me. I finally got to taste the dream of being treated like a princess. The experience liberated me from being too flexible and too easy. I reached the epiphany that giving men just enough space to prove themselves was not a bitchy solution, it was a solution that gave me the self-confidence in my worth. My desire for attention disappeared and the thought of being asked to hang out at a guy friends house in the middle of the night left my stomach in knots. I no longer wanted the cheap thrills, or the empty sexual advances - I want to be treated like a princess at all times.
The date I had with Coach was a gift (despite the bitter parts), it gave me strength to see my actions and thoughts in a proper light. I knew not to reveal too much about myself because not only would it make me feel uncomfortable, it would've done the same for him. I allowed myself to learn about him in order to determine his potential. As we discussed things and learned about our dislikes, likes, and background, I determined that I found him interesting. I looked forward to going out with him again by the time dinner was over.
I made one mistake that evening; the amazing date transformed into something questionable. Most of it was my behavior. I swear, it was as if the old me was lurking around waiting for the moment to jump in and have her moment. Well... She had her moment alright. The mistake was going for drinks after our date. I was to meet with some friends and I invited him to tag along. I am aware now that the date should have ended after our dinner together. We ended up going to my friends house and playing video games. The alcohol stirred up hormones between Coach and I. To summarize it all, the night ended at his place. I woke up that morning running through my mind how I allowed things to get so far. Coach was already awake, sitting up in the bed with a cup of coffee. I looked up at the ceiling and asked the question I already knew the answer to, did we have sex? His response was, somewhat. My brain ended up in a place I wasn't planning to even visit until I got to know him better. I was in the place where you question the obvious, is this something? Is he into me or is he looking for something casual with me? I wasn't ready to ask myself these questions. The only thing I could remember was him telling me he hoped that we progress into a relationship... But... I wasn't too sure he meant that. I wondered to myself, why did he take me home with him? Why didn't he just leave me at my friends house? To my surprise, a cup of coffee was waiting for me on the side of the bed I slept on. I asked if he remembered his statement, of course he said no... All I had from this dreadful morning was one positive thing, that cup of coffee.
My anxiety surfaced and I was on edge about how things were going to turn out after such a stupid move. The first week was a week of minor contact, excuses of being extremely busy at work, and no plans of a second date. Only one comment of him stating he wanted to see me again. I decided to cut my loss and tell him I felt I needed to take a step back from dating. I was left confused when he insisted he liked me and desired to see me again.
The second week - a week with barely any contact, a turned down invitation, and a text message that went unanswered. So... What have we learned?
The emotions I've been experiencing have been rocky but somehow I still developed more strength. I finally know how I want to be treated and I believe I am worthy of that kind of treatment. I have self-worth, even though at times I feel unworthy (especially from this situation), I still have it and it's not going away. My self-worth is growing stronger everyday. Two guys from the past tried to pursue me but I no longer have the desire to be at their beck and call. I know the kind of treatment I want and they don't seem capable (unless they prove otherwise).
Despite the fact that I had an amazing date that ended in destruction, the date brought me to a point to finally say good-bye to my old life.
Going, Going, Gone... I am a princess and my prince WILL come.
