On The Battlefield With My Own Worst Enemy.

"Don't believe the things
You tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy
You'll never win the fight..." - Cheryl Cole

I never want to face it and I never want to accept it. I feel comfortable by being convinced that I may have been dealt a sorry hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. However, I've realized all it takes to change things around for the better is to listen to the small voice that encourages me to feel safe regardless of the mistakes I've been constantly making. Now is the time to bring these habits to an end. For years, I've told myself I'll always be stuck in bad situations that I don't want to be in and my desires will never be a possibility. I grew to accept this lie more and more each day and convinced myself that I didn't deserve what I truly wanted out of life. Therefore, I continued to spiral into a dark hole because of this belief; all because I have the worst enemy to be against me... Myself. 

My own worst enemy is my bully, my tormentor, and my destroyer. This enemy leads me to believe that people can't enjoy my company or find value in me; this enemy craves my demise. This enemy wants me to believe I am no one special, I'm annoying, and an unwanted individual in the world. This belief has been so painful and continues to lead me to frustration and confusion. One day I woke up with the anger suddenly anchored to my inner self for being so abusive with myself. Why am I saying such ugly things to myself? Why do I believe I'm a woman with no worth?

An epiphany came after experiencing an event that shook my soul to a place of extreme vulnerability. A person like me loves attention and I was enjoying the attention of one guy and ended up realizing that his attention came with a price. As I laid there allowing him to caress me and fondle me, his friend laid beside. Suddenly it wasn't just him fondling me, his friend seemed to think he had the right to fondle me at the same time. I was mortified... I suddenly realized the price I've been paying to get attention from the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have been continuously giving up my self-respect for a cheap thrill that never amounted to anything but neglect. I sternly told his friend to stop because his behavior was unacceptable and unwanted. In my mind, I asked myself, "Why did he think I'd be okay with his actions?" A guy who I respected and believed was my friend, instantly revealed himself to be a person who didn't value my friendship or me. The more I pondered over the experience, the more I realized that he wasn't the only one who didn't value me... I didn't value me. 

I finally was honest with myself and thought, here is the truth, you are a needy girl and you don't have respect for yourself. I cried for hours and felt as if I was suffocating from this pain that revealed it's ugly head before my very eyes. I was hurting; I was feeling pain from abuse brought on by my own words and actions. In the end, that girl died and I felt a side of me that I thought I'd never feel. I felt the woman within me; the woman who was determined to feel worthy, beautiful, and lovable. I felt my laughter and found joy in it. I saw my intellect and found admiration in it. I saw my beauty and found value in it. 

But the fight still rages on... Now that I am aware, I stare at the ugliness of my choices and question how should I deal with these past mistakes that have made my life a mess as well as give me a reputation of a foolish bimbo. The enemy says I am stupid and I will never change; but the woman who is fighting to be better says, you made mistakes and it's okay. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. 

I've lost many battles with my own worst enemy over the years... I'm having faith and pushing myself to be strong because one day - The woman within me is going to win the war.

Access Denied: Confessions of a Judged and Rejected Person...

"When I'm nervous I have this thing,
Yeah, I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone,
anyone who'll listen 
And that's where I seem to fuck up.

Yeah, I forget about the consequences
For a minute there I lose my senses,
And in the heat of the moment
my mouth starts going..." - Jessie J


It finally happened... I'm at the point where I desire to focus on me and the things I love about myself. The new year is here and I'm promising myself that I will focus on the positive and let go of the negative. Despite making the best changes and revamping my perspective, the experience of rejection and embarrassment is among me.

I tend to feel left out, gossiped about, and judged for my actions. Most of it is paranoia, but I've been in situations where these things do occur. There are certain days where I feel this tension, its a tense feeling that people don't want to be around me because they've determined that I'm insane, odd, and neurotic. However, I do tend to be insane, odd, and neurotic... These things are true because I've become aware of my flaws. But... What do you do when you are trying to make yourself a better person? 

I'm a social butterfly, at times I have trouble being social among my peers because I'm in fear that people will dislike me. I've had interactions where I am being my complete self, but then I wake up the next day regretting certain things I said and did. When I am at work I feel  like my co-workers judge me and I feel instant rejection when I'm not invited to a get together. People say to focus on the people who will love and treat you right, but forget the one's that don't. I completely agree, but it still doesn't take away the gnawing feeling in my heart when many people decide they don't like being around me. I've been told I am too loud, too out-spoken, and a bit promiscuous. Again, these things are true but I don't want to feel bad about it, because I'm trying to correct it. 

Being denied attention from people hurts. You feel unworthy, unacceptable, and scummy. I will admit I am an eccentric individual but I wish I could be strong enough to not care what other's think of me. I know that I'm a pretty girl, that my laugh tends to be boisterous, I have no filter, and I'm extremely goofy. Yet, these characteristics of mine do set me apart from the people who choose to conform to societies view of normal. 

Maybe I need to accept that I have an unorthodox personality and my spontaneous behavior does tend to put me in crazy situations but at least I am not afraid to take a risk. I guess in a way I'm doing my best to live my life and enjoy it to the most fullest extent. Therefore I say, conservative my ass! Nothing about me will ever be NORMAL!

Yet... I want to be surrounded by friends who love me, respect me, and accept me. I have a certain persona that most people don't have, because of this I don't feel worthy, but I want to. I should be living life and being happy. I'm worth being around like-minded friends and trying new things. I've had some wild experiences, but in the end I can say I had a good time during that moment. "Never regret something that made you smile" right? - Which is a quote I read somewhere...

I want to accept the inner girl in me, because maybe I can finally embrace the woman that I am. I make crazy decisions; I have the most wildest imagination; I can be gullible and naive at times; I struggle with anxiety, and at times I can be very sensitive. These things make me who I am. Although, I can learn to take my time before making a crazy decision by allowing myself to think of the possible consequences first. If I end up impulsively making a silly decision, I need to forgive myself if it doesn't work out, or pat myself on the back when it does. My wild imagination is truly a gift of strong creativity and if I am willing, maybe I can channel that wild imagination into something productive. Being gullible and naive isn't always bad, I'm capable of looking at the world through the eyes of a child-like mind; sometimes life needs to viewed this way. With anxiety, I can always remedy this by sitting alone for a few minutes and taking deep breaths; everyone tends to get anxious at times. And as for my sensitivity, it gives me empathy, which only means I have the ability to understand people's pain and happiness. These characteristics make me, me. I can use them for something, despite the world's distinction that I am an odd bird who should be ignored. 

I have had my crazy phase and lived in my insanity phase. But at least I am sane enough to step out of these phases as a stronger person. 

Maybe the feeling of being left out is a lesson, the people who don't want to be around me are making room for the one's that do and will...

I am a judged and rejected person, but it doesn't define who I am nor shapes my world...

Going, Going, Gone... If they don't like me, then that's their right. I'm sticking with me and I've got my back. So letting these people go, is good for me and for the new people to come - a new day is coming.