You tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy
You'll never win the fight..." - Cheryl Cole
I never want to face it and I never want to accept it. I feel comfortable by being convinced that I may have been dealt a sorry hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. However, I've realized all it takes to change things around for the better is to listen to the small voice that encourages me to feel safe regardless of the mistakes I've been constantly making. Now is the time to bring these habits to an end. For years, I've told myself I'll always be stuck in bad situations that I don't want to be in and my desires will never be a possibility. I grew to accept this lie more and more each day and convinced myself that I didn't deserve what I truly wanted out of life. Therefore, I continued to spiral into a dark hole because of this belief; all because I have the worst enemy to be against me... Myself.
My own worst enemy is my bully, my tormentor, and my destroyer. This enemy leads me to believe that people can't enjoy my company or find value in me; this enemy craves my demise. This enemy wants me to believe I am no one special, I'm annoying, and an unwanted individual in the world. This belief has been so painful and continues to lead me to frustration and confusion. One day I woke up with the anger suddenly anchored to my inner self for being so abusive with myself. Why am I saying such ugly things to myself? Why do I believe I'm a woman with no worth?
An epiphany came after experiencing an event that shook my soul to a place of extreme vulnerability. A person like me loves attention and I was enjoying the attention of one guy and ended up realizing that his attention came with a price. As I laid there allowing him to caress me and fondle me, his friend laid beside. Suddenly it wasn't just him fondling me, his friend seemed to think he had the right to fondle me at the same time. I was mortified... I suddenly realized the price I've been paying to get attention from the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have been continuously giving up my self-respect for a cheap thrill that never amounted to anything but neglect. I sternly told his friend to stop because his behavior was unacceptable and unwanted. In my mind, I asked myself, "Why did he think I'd be okay with his actions?" A guy who I respected and believed was my friend, instantly revealed himself to be a person who didn't value my friendship or me. The more I pondered over the experience, the more I realized that he wasn't the only one who didn't value me... I didn't value me.
I finally was honest with myself and thought, here is the truth, you are a needy girl and you don't have respect for yourself. I cried for hours and felt as if I was suffocating from this pain that revealed it's ugly head before my very eyes. I was hurting; I was feeling pain from abuse brought on by my own words and actions. In the end, that girl died and I felt a side of me that I thought I'd never feel. I felt the woman within me; the woman who was determined to feel worthy, beautiful, and lovable. I felt my laughter and found joy in it. I saw my intellect and found admiration in it. I saw my beauty and found value in it.
But the fight still rages on... Now that I am aware, I stare at the ugliness of my choices and question how should I deal with these past mistakes that have made my life a mess as well as give me a reputation of a foolish bimbo. The enemy says I am stupid and I will never change; but the woman who is fighting to be better says, you made mistakes and it's okay. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
I've lost many battles with my own worst enemy over the years... I'm having faith and pushing myself to be strong because one day - The woman within me is going to win the war.
An epiphany came after experiencing an event that shook my soul to a place of extreme vulnerability. A person like me loves attention and I was enjoying the attention of one guy and ended up realizing that his attention came with a price. As I laid there allowing him to caress me and fondle me, his friend laid beside. Suddenly it wasn't just him fondling me, his friend seemed to think he had the right to fondle me at the same time. I was mortified... I suddenly realized the price I've been paying to get attention from the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have been continuously giving up my self-respect for a cheap thrill that never amounted to anything but neglect. I sternly told his friend to stop because his behavior was unacceptable and unwanted. In my mind, I asked myself, "Why did he think I'd be okay with his actions?" A guy who I respected and believed was my friend, instantly revealed himself to be a person who didn't value my friendship or me. The more I pondered over the experience, the more I realized that he wasn't the only one who didn't value me... I didn't value me.
I finally was honest with myself and thought, here is the truth, you are a needy girl and you don't have respect for yourself. I cried for hours and felt as if I was suffocating from this pain that revealed it's ugly head before my very eyes. I was hurting; I was feeling pain from abuse brought on by my own words and actions. In the end, that girl died and I felt a side of me that I thought I'd never feel. I felt the woman within me; the woman who was determined to feel worthy, beautiful, and lovable. I felt my laughter and found joy in it. I saw my intellect and found admiration in it. I saw my beauty and found value in it.
But the fight still rages on... Now that I am aware, I stare at the ugliness of my choices and question how should I deal with these past mistakes that have made my life a mess as well as give me a reputation of a foolish bimbo. The enemy says I am stupid and I will never change; but the woman who is fighting to be better says, you made mistakes and it's okay. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
I've lost many battles with my own worst enemy over the years... I'm having faith and pushing myself to be strong because one day - The woman within me is going to win the war.
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