Next Stop! BOOZE-CIGS!

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold - ONEREPUBLIC


There seems to be more than just one suitcase of baggage piled up around me. There is so much where I may need to rent out a storage space for all that I carry. This luggage I carry with me has brought me to a destination I had no intentions of arriving to. Over the summer, I arrived at the destination of Booze-Cigs City. I've been extremely lost and incredibly desperate to find the love I've been yearning to have my whole life. Somehow my hopes and my desires led me to the city of Booze-Cigs; now it's been a struggle trying to find my way out of this dark city. 

I wouldn't say I've turned into an alcoholic, I don't see my situation as that severe... Do I use alcohol as an escape? At times... but I'm not constantly drinking, its only an evening thing to keep my mind from wandering to the dark places that bring me to despair and a way to find sleep. I'll say this, residing in Booze-Cigs has brought out the most oddest behavior and has put me in some very odd scenarios. 

It's been said that the more we hold onto the past, the more we suffer feeling stuck exactly where we are. Every mistake and event of my life has been an ongoing nightmare haunting places of my mind and soul. 

The root of this sudden arrival to the city of Booze-Cigs can go back in time for many years but I'd rather discuss the main events that have driven me here. 

I met a man close to his 30's at the age of 22 (I shall call him Mr. Butch) it was not the type of relationship I was planning to be in. When I met Mr. Butch I was looking for opportunities to date and get to know people. My goal was to figure out what type of relationship I was looking for. I allowed my relationship with Mr. Butch to go on too long... Four months into our relationship - I became pregnant. I remember the day I saw the pregnancy test, the little window instantly changed to "pregnant" after peeing on the stick. I was in complete horror and had no clue what I was going to do or what was the best thing to do. I was consumed by shock, fear, and anger. I was angry at Mr. Butch for ignoring my warnings of the importance of condoms - but then angry towards me for not being confident in myself to say no. My shock, fear, and anger changed nothing. I was still pregnant and unsure what to do. My parents gave me the option to abort without any judgment but the action of murdering a living cell growing in my body seemed too dark and unholy for me. I felt I could not go that far. If it wasn't for Mr. Butch being excited about being a dad, my choice would have been adoption. Mr. Butch was ready to have a family and he desired to start a family with me! He was completely unaware that I felt different. 

In 2008, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. For the sake of his privacy as well as my own, I will call him Fireball. Fireball was born four days after my birthday. On my birthday I was given the news that I would be induced due to my amniotic fluid decreasing. In fear of my child being put in critical condition, I made no arguments and agreed with everything the doctors were advising me to do. My only goal was to make sure that my son was going to be born into this world safely. The situation resulted to an emergency C-section, but on that day, my son Fireball was born. The moment he was removed from my body, there was complete silence. I was in terror by not hearing a sound, but then suddenly, his wail let loose and I was in instant tears. My tears were of joy because I knew that my son was alive and that he had arrived into this world as a healthy baby. 

For the sake of Fireball, I tried to make things work with Mr. Butch, but a relationship with him was something I never desired to have. Throughout my pregnancy, I wasn't sure how I felt about him as a person. Yet, I learned about his selfishness, his financial negligence, and his stubbornness. After a terrible argument, I left in complete rage by his stubbornness and fell down the stairs. I caught myself by grabbing the rail and landed on my butt. I was shaken from the fall, but he came towards me with a look of hatred in his eyes and said that if I had hurt his child he would never forgive me. I was at lost for words by his statement and never knew what it meant by his unconcern of whether I was hurt or not. 

The night I was induced, we checked into the hospital. The staff did everything possible to make me comfortable while Mr. Butch sat in the corner with his laptop watching movies and surfing the internet. Later that evening my lower back began to hurt, I politely asked Mr. Butch if he could rub my lower back. He refused because he was too involved in a computer game. I felt alone that night and fell asleep in tears knowing that my relationship with Mr. Butch was not the relationship I wanted to be stuck in for the rest of my life. 

As much as I tried, there wasn't a way I could make things work with him and even when I tried he made me feel awful in the midst of it all. So our relationship came to an end. I will not say that most of the problems in our relationship were due to him, in many ways I was immature, and also had my own faults. Yet, being together was more destructive than being apart, and it wasn't a healthy bond for Fireball to live around. I knew that when I ended things with Mr. Butch, Fireball needed to be with his father more than me. I gave his father full custody while still being able to keep him half of the time.

Keeping Fireball became a struggle. I didn't have the finances that his father expected of me and my emotions were running rapid in ways that I could not understand. The more I tried, the more I felt stuck between a rock and hard place. I couldn't tell up from down and began to see my life spiral lower and lower. Next thing you know, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The term gave me a lot of understanding of what was happening but it didn't give me any solutions to the problems I was still struggling with. I was depressed, I felt like a failure; no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make things right, or fix things properly; I forget things; I lost track of time; and more importantly, I lost every ounce of confidence I managed to sustain despite my low self-esteem... I hit rock bottom...

I quit my full-time job, I moved back in with my parents and almost had to sell my car. My world was upside down and I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. 

It was the last week of April when I called Mr. Butch. I explained everything that was going on with me and admitted that I was not capable of keeping Fireball at any time. The distance to go and pick him up was too much on the gas tank and I was unable to feed him when he was with me. Mr. Butch didn't understand and continued to state how heartless I was. I couldn't see how admitting that I wasn't ready nor capable to be a mother was considered heartless. The truth had to be known and I officially got tired of fighting a battle that could not be won. That was the last time I spoke with Mr. Butch and since then, I haven't seen my child. 

Part of me knows it's for the best but I still struggle with the part of me that feels that I need to be punished for doing something that many people look down upon. Yet, I have had many friends tell me it took a great amount of strength to do what I did because, despite it all, I made the best decision for my child and myself. 

His bed stayed in my room till the Thanksgiving Holiday... I sat there and played with his car for twenty minutes before moving his bed into the garage. It was heart-wrenching and I grieved more and more seeing my room without his bed each day. 

This morning I had a lucid dream that he was sitting beside me. I got up to kiss him on the lips - but when I did, I awoke to realize he wasn't there... I was in Booze-Cigs, a place where the alcohol numbs the pain and takes away the shouting thoughts from my own worst enemy and from those who judge me. The cigarettes are the substance that just completes the job. 

I pray that I find the form of transportation that got me here and move on to a more lovely place... 

I heard of a place called Self-Forgiveness, I plan to find my way there.


Artwork Created By: Adam Withers (AdamWithers.deviantart.com/)

Mr. Fickle was Tickling My Pickle.

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life, or the things I do?
I can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you
- Britney Spears


I wasn't aware that one of the main problems in my dating life was putting pressure on the opposite sex. It's not my intention to make guys feel uncomfortable. I seem to have a tendency to come on too strong. Coming to terms with this epic error in dating situations has me wishing I knew what I know now. I could have refrained blowing chances and opportunities with numerous great men. I've made myself appear like this desperate girl that only desires to cling to men willing to express their caring nature. In return, their actions consisted of running away with their tails between their legs. 

I've read many articles about adults with adhd and the struggles they face in dating. Apparently, it's the impulsive behavior that causes us to look like complete psychos. I'm pretty sure I'm not a psycho, nor do I feel I should be labeled as one. Never in my life have I ever had the desire to to pull the stunts like Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction; or have been a manipulative master like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Although, yes, I may have struggled with some of the emotions they felt, but my emotions has never provoked me to hurt anyone or anything for that matter. The only person I crucify everyday seems to be the one I stare at in the mirror (as sad as that is). My dating scenarios are anxiety to the core, because it's the main theme of fight or flight. In my case, I am always taking the flight, but I tend to always leave a message behind. 

His name is Mr. Fickle...

What would be your reaction if someone made statements in future tense? Such as - meeting parents; certain outings with friends, etc... The first thing that would come to mind for most would be, this guy is really into me. Obviously his ability to be forward did not spark fear in me, but the moment I reciprocated interest in him, his fear suddenly became evident before his eyes. 

Once again... I asked the question I always ask, what did I do wrong? 

I'm searching deep within the feelings I have about Mr. Fickle. Oddly enough, something about this situation is difficult to write about. But this is my release and I need to expose everything. Which means, I really felt a strong connection to him. When he changed his mind, I felt sick to my stomach and dizzy. I wouldn't say that I thought he was the one, but there was something about his personality that made me feel safe. He was genuinely a kind person; the kind of guy who would not be vindictive or conniving.  Still... After having sex with me (of course), his mind changed... Before his claims that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, he made the statement that we had a strong connection. He stated that he felt strongly about me, and for some reason it was frightening him. Then he went into his speech about how he didn't want to give up certain freedoms and that the relationship he's been looking for is something he isn't ready for just yet. My inner anxious girl believed that his rejection was due to something I did wrong. 

He went back and forth with expressing his feelings for me. One moment he wanted to share intimacy by spending time together, cuddling, and being affectionate - then he would flip and say he couldn't do it...

After the third time with his fickle thoughts, I became angry. I began wishing I never met him and wishing he never pursued me. He allowed me to feel comfortable with him, then he ripped away that comfort more than once. His actions made a huge affect on me after dating him, I developed panic attacks. I became frightened to go out with my friends because I was worried that a guy would hit on me. Men who have pursued me in the past, suddenly became a present nightmare that I didn't want to face. I was petrified to experience the emotional roller-coaster again . It seemed to me that men didn't know what they wanted or would think they knew that they wanted a relationship. But, the moment they dated me and I accepted their offer; they realized they didn't want a serious relationship. I made them realize they didn't want commitment; something about me killed the desire. The experience of that on more than one occasion was heart wrenching!

I am afraid - constantly. If dating fails with good men just like it does with bad, then what chance do I have in dating? So there is the pressure... Why is it so important that a date blossoms into something meaningful and solid? Why do I become focused on one person who is showing me attention and act like they're the only one looking at me? Why must I always know the outcome of every single situation in my life? Why can't I just go with the flow? 

The answer is: CONTROL

The scientist says, (a + b = c); he says that if he adds certain variables to an equation he will find the answer (or result) that will solve the problem. Am I approaching dating like a scientist? Love doesn't involve science or variables... It just happens... Why am I trying to live my life in the right equation to make that happen? The scientist is the controller, but I've learned that control only produces stress, not a result. 

So there it is... the truth... Mr. Fickle was looking for something to happen and I was to busy trying to make it happen instead of letting it happen... 

Going, Going, Gone... I made a mistake... My actions were smothering and my comments were demanding... We could have ended up being something, I hate that I was unaware of my actions. It drove away the very thing I always wanted to have. But he is gone and he is no longer interested in pursuing me. The knowledge of the pain he caused me made him feel awful and now his only focus is to never hurt me in that way again... So what's done is done and it's time to finally let go. 

At least I can see that I need to learn my boundaries as well as others. I'm willing to love myself enough to learn what those boundaries are... for me...

Artwork Created By: Julius (joulester.deviantart)