Mr. Fickle was Tickling My Pickle.

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life, or the things I do?
I can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you
- Britney Spears


I wasn't aware that one of the main problems in my dating life was putting pressure on the opposite sex. It's not my intention to make guys feel uncomfortable. I seem to have a tendency to come on too strong. Coming to terms with this epic error in dating situations has me wishing I knew what I know now. I could have refrained blowing chances and opportunities with numerous great men. I've made myself appear like this desperate girl that only desires to cling to men willing to express their caring nature. In return, their actions consisted of running away with their tails between their legs. 

I've read many articles about adults with adhd and the struggles they face in dating. Apparently, it's the impulsive behavior that causes us to look like complete psychos. I'm pretty sure I'm not a psycho, nor do I feel I should be labeled as one. Never in my life have I ever had the desire to to pull the stunts like Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction; or have been a manipulative master like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Although, yes, I may have struggled with some of the emotions they felt, but my emotions has never provoked me to hurt anyone or anything for that matter. The only person I crucify everyday seems to be the one I stare at in the mirror (as sad as that is). My dating scenarios are anxiety to the core, because it's the main theme of fight or flight. In my case, I am always taking the flight, but I tend to always leave a message behind. 

His name is Mr. Fickle...

What would be your reaction if someone made statements in future tense? Such as - meeting parents; certain outings with friends, etc... The first thing that would come to mind for most would be, this guy is really into me. Obviously his ability to be forward did not spark fear in me, but the moment I reciprocated interest in him, his fear suddenly became evident before his eyes. 

Once again... I asked the question I always ask, what did I do wrong? 

I'm searching deep within the feelings I have about Mr. Fickle. Oddly enough, something about this situation is difficult to write about. But this is my release and I need to expose everything. Which means, I really felt a strong connection to him. When he changed his mind, I felt sick to my stomach and dizzy. I wouldn't say that I thought he was the one, but there was something about his personality that made me feel safe. He was genuinely a kind person; the kind of guy who would not be vindictive or conniving.  Still... After having sex with me (of course), his mind changed... Before his claims that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, he made the statement that we had a strong connection. He stated that he felt strongly about me, and for some reason it was frightening him. Then he went into his speech about how he didn't want to give up certain freedoms and that the relationship he's been looking for is something he isn't ready for just yet. My inner anxious girl believed that his rejection was due to something I did wrong. 

He went back and forth with expressing his feelings for me. One moment he wanted to share intimacy by spending time together, cuddling, and being affectionate - then he would flip and say he couldn't do it...

After the third time with his fickle thoughts, I became angry. I began wishing I never met him and wishing he never pursued me. He allowed me to feel comfortable with him, then he ripped away that comfort more than once. His actions made a huge affect on me after dating him, I developed panic attacks. I became frightened to go out with my friends because I was worried that a guy would hit on me. Men who have pursued me in the past, suddenly became a present nightmare that I didn't want to face. I was petrified to experience the emotional roller-coaster again . It seemed to me that men didn't know what they wanted or would think they knew that they wanted a relationship. But, the moment they dated me and I accepted their offer; they realized they didn't want a serious relationship. I made them realize they didn't want commitment; something about me killed the desire. The experience of that on more than one occasion was heart wrenching!

I am afraid - constantly. If dating fails with good men just like it does with bad, then what chance do I have in dating? So there is the pressure... Why is it so important that a date blossoms into something meaningful and solid? Why do I become focused on one person who is showing me attention and act like they're the only one looking at me? Why must I always know the outcome of every single situation in my life? Why can't I just go with the flow? 

The answer is: CONTROL

The scientist says, (a + b = c); he says that if he adds certain variables to an equation he will find the answer (or result) that will solve the problem. Am I approaching dating like a scientist? Love doesn't involve science or variables... It just happens... Why am I trying to live my life in the right equation to make that happen? The scientist is the controller, but I've learned that control only produces stress, not a result. 

So there it is... the truth... Mr. Fickle was looking for something to happen and I was to busy trying to make it happen instead of letting it happen... 

Going, Going, Gone... I made a mistake... My actions were smothering and my comments were demanding... We could have ended up being something, I hate that I was unaware of my actions. It drove away the very thing I always wanted to have. But he is gone and he is no longer interested in pursuing me. The knowledge of the pain he caused me made him feel awful and now his only focus is to never hurt me in that way again... So what's done is done and it's time to finally let go. 

At least I can see that I need to learn my boundaries as well as others. I'm willing to love myself enough to learn what those boundaries are... for me...

Artwork Created By: Julius (joulester.deviantart)